I’ve been thinking about writing a blog about ableism because I often talk about it indirectly without naming it. Yet ableism is everywhere. It is woven into our culture, our families, our institutions, and often into the way we think and feel about ourselves (internalised ableism).
I’ve noticed the power that comes from becoming aware of my own internalised ableist beliefs. When I begin to notice them, I can slowly start letting them go. Underneath them, I find who I am, what I need, and what helps me stay connected to myself.
One thing I’ve noticed is that whenever I think or say, “I just need to…”, “I have to…”, “I should…”, or “I must…”, there is often some form of ableism present. Maybe not always, but I have yet to find an example where there wasn’t at least an expectation hiding underneath.
The “I just” is often carrying internalised social, cultural and/or family expectations about what I "should" be capable of doing and how I "should" be able to do it.
To explain what I mean, I’ll use shopping as an example.
I have always struggled with shopping. For a long time, I was unaware I struggled with it in any way. I would unconsciously put it off, hoping someone else would go. Sometimes I would wait until I had run out of almost everything so that I could buy everything in one trip and avoid having to go again for as long as possible.
I suppressed my struggle and never asked for help. I never told anyone how difficult it was because I didn’t know myself. I think this was because I did not feel safe enough within myself to allow myself to know this. So when I had meltdowns I would feel overwhelmed and confused by why I felt like that and why I couldn't cope.
When I started looking at my experiences through a neurodivergent lens, things began to make more sense. I could see that shopping itself was often the trigger: The sensory overload (sounds, smells, lights, temperature, people's energy), the decisions, the planning, the unpredictability, the pressure. I realised I often had meltdowns before shopping, after shopping, and sometimes during shopping. I might realise I needed to leave mid-shopping as I felt completely overwhelmed. I might hold everything together until I got home and then fall apart. Sometimes someone would speak to me after I got back, and I would either become angry or retreat to my room and cry.
At first, this understanding brought some relief. But it also brought shame as I felt something was wrong with me for not being able to "just" (internalised ableism) do it without a meltdown.
I still believed I should be able to go shopping without struggling. I believed I should be able to go shopping without needing support. I believed I should be able to go shopping without having a meltdown.
I thought everyone else could do it, so why couldn’t I?
Then one day I had a realisation. The problem was not that I had meltdowns. The problem was that I believed having a meltdown was unacceptable.
I had internalised the belief that a person should be able to go shopping without becoming overwhelmed. I had internalised the belief that struggling was a sign of failure. I had internalised the belief that needing support meant something was wrong with me.
That was ableism: The belief that the meltdown should not exist. The belief that my reality was wrong because it did not match society’s expectations.
Once I saw this, I could start seeing my reality more clearly.
The reality was that shopping was hard for me.
The reality was that I sometimes had meltdowns before, during, or after shopping. And this reality was really hard.
The reality was that having someone come with me often helped.
The reality was that asking for support usually reduced my distress.
The reality was that none of this meant I was broken, failing, lazy, weak, or doing life incorrectly. Even though it sometimes it felt like this.
It was simply my reality.
Before this realisation, I was constantly fighting against my reality. I was measuring myself against an expectation of how I thought I should function. Every time I struggled, I saw the struggle as evidence that something was wrong with me (internalised ableism).
But what if nothing was wrong with me?
What if the meltdown was not a problem to eliminate but information to listen to?
What if the struggle was not evidence of failure but evidence that I needed support?
What if the suffering came less from the meltdown itself and more from the belief that I should not be having one?
Ableism tells us there is a right way to function, a right way to cope, a right way to move through the world. It tells us that independence is better than dependence, that productivity is better than rest, and that needing support is something to overcome.
My experience has been that much of the pain came not from being different, but from believing I shouldn’t be different.
My reality is different from what I was taught it should be.
That is ableism.
And every time I notice those hidden expectations and let them go, I create a little more space to meet myself as I actually am rather than who I think I should be.
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